This week has been one of those nightmare weeks well one of my worst nightmares!
Something happened that put a hold on my life for the week and ended with me crying uncontrollably for what felt like hours and hours. When I think back I’m not really sure why, because this thing it doesn’t define me but boy does it mess with my head.
I am sure you’re wondering what so I’ll start from the beginning of this journey back to 1994 when I was 10 years old. I had a really unfortunate accident that I won’t go into detail about however, the accident left me completely blind in the left eye. The doctors were able to save my eye, but this meant that I was left with a shrunken eye, 10-year-old me really didn’t give a shit about it, I had a bad ass attitude! A few months down the track I was fitted with a shell prosthetic so that I could continue to lead a normal life.
I wish that attitude had continued but it didn’t, you know you start getting to an age when you start becoming self-conscious about everything and my eye added to this by what felt like a million. I always get anxiety over meeting new people and I am extremely self-conscious, I don’t really like having my photos taken. I over analyse and criticise my appearance so harshly and I am trying to be kinder to myself. I only recently started sharing stories and photos on my business page and this was a really hard thing for me to do but I pushed through. Apart from all of this I have lived a considerably normal life, I learnt to drive, partied, travelled, fell in love and started a family so although it affects me I have never let it stop me from achieving anything and it will never stop me.
This week I did something so incredibly silly I am embarrassed to even write what happened but I flushed my prosthetic down the toilet by accident 😱. I left it on the bathroom counter in a tissue and forgot and in the morning in a cleaning frenzy I flushed it and this is where my nightmare began!
I cried uncontrollably for hours about how careless I had been but it only got worse from here. Did you know there are only about 10 ocularists in Australia who make prosthetic eyes? Apparently flushing them down the toilet is more common than you think. This meant though that my regular ocularist couldn’t fit me in until the end of the year and another one in Sydney not until mid-May. I was in an absolutely panicked state by this point, wondering how I was possibly going to go on for weeks and even months without one. I had been on the phone all day to my sister, I really was not thinking straight, when she told me to just start searching interstate and so I did as I was getting desperate. Thankfully I came in to contact with an awesome ocularist in Brisbane who could tell how incredibly distressed I was and arranged an appointment the next day!
So I caught the 6am flight (sorry to all those that I abruptly cancelled plans on) and now I am here in Brisbane getting fitted out, it’s a few days process with several appointments during the day and night to get it sorted before the weekend. I am hoping to be back by the weekend to be reunited with the fambam fingers crossed.
Whilst I have been up here, I have been able to reflect on it all and I can truly say that I am lucky. There are people out there that have been dealt much tougher cards than I have. I am grateful that I have two happy healthy daughters, my husband and I have a roof over our heads and food on the table we are blessed.
It’s something that I rarely bring up and I have never spoken or been asked by any of the people that I have ever encountered in my life. I want to say thank you to every single one of you from the bottom of my heart because you have all made my life that much easier. You know the saying beauty comes from within really resonates with me and I am so grateful that I am surrounded by some freaking amazing friends and family.
I am not sure I will ever be able to openly talk about as it is still quite an emotional topic for me, but maybe the first step to fully healing and overcoming those fears is writing and opening up about it to the world and not keeping it a dark secret……maybe one day I can be that little bad ass 10-year-old Carolina again but right now I am not quite there.
Lastly a special mention to my daughters, sister, mum & husband who all consoled me when I was at my worst and reassured me that everything would be alright and you know what? It is and what doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.